A Celebration of Bad Dirty Talk
by Lomesir
Summary: Bad sex tales about Jim and Bones' time at the academy. Jim/Bones :Part 2 of the Celebrations Series:
1. Bad, Bad Dirty Talk

Bones and Jim were lying in Bones' dorm room bed, drowsily enjoying the sound of each other's quiet breathing. They'd just finished a round of delightfully vigorous sex.

Somewhere in the dark, a clock beeped the midnight hour.

Jim rested his head on Bones' shoulder. "You know, it's not that late."

Bones grunted.

Jim continued, "You actually have the day off tomorrow."

Bones nodded. "That's true. What's your point?"

Jim rolled his eyes. "You know what I'm getting at."

A laugh. "I do, but I like to hear you say it."

Jim looked up at Bones, a small smile creeping around his lips. So he wanted dirty talk, eh? He could do that. "You dirty man. Do you have any idea what you do to me?"

Bones shrugged. "The stuff cooling on my stomach gives me an idea, but do tell."

Jim started to stroke Bones' cock. "Whenever I see you in your scrubs, I want to bend you over your desk and have my way with you. I'd take my time. I wouldn't leave until you'd begged me for mercy."

His lover's "hmm" inspired Jim to get more creative. "I went to the medical center last week, remember? I saw Dr. Estevez flirting with you. It pissed me off so much, I wanted to push you up against the wall and fuck your mouth with my tongue. I wanted her to know that you're mine."

Actually, Dr. Estevez had been telling Bones that eight-year-old Leigh Young's family had just said they wanted to take their comatose daughter off of life support. But whatever, Jim didn't know that.

"Pilar wasn't flirting with me, Jim," he said gently. Jim grinned.

"_Pilar_? You on first name terms with her, are you? Getting a taste of a Latin lover?"

Dr. Pilar Estevez was married to Dr. Diana Pruitt in Oncology.

But hey, he started this game.

"Yes," he said with a heavy sigh. "I'm sleeping with Pilar on the side. We have hot, nasty sex in the doctor's lounge every day between 12:30 and 1:15." He looked down at Jim and winked. "What can I say? I like the way she describes my body in Spanish. It practically makes me come in my pants."

Recognizing the challenge, Jim wracked his brain for anything he could remember from high school Spanish class.

"_Me encantan tus piernas_," Jim crooned while caressing said _piernas_. "_Me encantan tus manos_." He kissed Bones' knuckles. "_Me encantan tus hambres_." He kissed Bones' shoulder.

"_Mis hombres_."

"What?"

"You like my shoulders, not my hungers."

"_Hambres_ is shoulders!"

Bones shot a glare at Jim. "No, it means 'hungers'."

Jim threw off the covers and stormed over to the backpack in the corner, ripping it open and fishing out his PADD. He turned it on, glaring at Bones every few seconds.

"Computer, translate 'los hambres'."

"Spanish. Translation: the hungers. Alternate translation: the famines."

Bones smirked while Jim threw the PADD back into his bag. "Thanks for the compliment, though. Nobody's ever told me they liked my famines before. I've worked really hard on them."

"Shut up," Jim snapped. He climbed back into bed and faced the wall away from Bones. There was silence for a minute, and then:

"Hey Jim, I've never told you how much I like your famines, too."

Jim smacked bones and a tussle ensued until they ended up laughing so loud that their neighbor banged on the wall and yelled at them to shut the hell up.


	2. The Week Before

Bones got off the phone with his harpy of an ex-wife and collapsed into a chair.

What an evening: two hours on a conference call with Jocelyn, Jocelyn's vulture lawyer, and his own lawyer.

He needed a drink. He wandered into the kitchen he shared with Jim and opened the fridge. It was empty. He stood on his toes and looked on top of the fridge. Dust.

The cabinets. Empty.

The pantry. Cereal boxes that were empty. (He threw those in the recycling bin.)

His super-secret emergency stash that only he and God knew about. Empty, and with a note that said _Buy Absolut next time. –Jim_

He sat on the sofa with his head in his hands and tried not to wallow in his self-pity, but damn, it was hard. He was broke and cut off from his daughter, being fucked in the ass every month by Joss' legal time, and now he had no alcohol to take the edge off things. To make matter worse, he still kind of missed Joss. Back when things were good between them, she'd stroke his chest when he was stressed and say she'd make him feel like a man.

He groaned and got ready for bed. He was settled in and about to turn out the light when he heard Jim open the front door.

"Hello? Bones?"

"In here, Jim," he called. Jim came in and dumped his backpack in the corner.

"Damn, you like you got hit by a hovercar. What happened?"

"Conference call."

Jim winced. "Sorry, man. Wanna talk about it?"

"No. Same story every month."

"Okay. But if you do, you know that I'm always willing to listen." Bones did know that, and it warmed his heart.

Something else also warmed as he watched Jim strip off his shirt and pants. He pulled back Jim's side of the covers for him. Jim slid into bed and squeezed Bones' hand. "I think I know something that'll make you feel better."

Jim hugged the pillow like it was his lifeline. He was pretty sure it had ripped sometime in the hour before. Bones was slamming in and out of him like a machine.

"B-Bones, please…slow down…"

Raw pleasure was rapidly turning into pain. His boyfriend wasn't usually this rough; hands that were normally gentle dug into his hips leaving deep gouges. He wasn't taking care to hit his prostate every time. Strangest of all, Bones had flipped Jim onto his stomach. Jim didn't really care about positions that much, but Bones was a face-to-face kind of guy.

It felt significant, somehow.

"Bones, please slow down. You're hurting me," Jim said, ashamed at how pathetic he sounded.

Bones slowed the pace but didn't answer, which bothered Jim for a reason he couldn't quite put his finger on. What was _wrong_ with Len tonight?

Jim closed his eyes tightly and buried his face into the pillow. His ass was burning and he wanted Bones to come so he could go to sleep. Clearly he was working out some issues, and Jim wanted to help him however he could. They'd talk about Bones' bedroom manners tomorrow.

The breathing behind him sped up and became more harsher, more ragged. Jim cried out when Bones' fingernails drew blood. Any second now…

"JOSS!"

He came inside Jim and shook his head, as if he were dizzy. Jim pulled himself away from Bones and turned around, staring at Bones with a hard expression.

There was a pregnant pause.

"What the _fuck_ did you just call me?"

Bones chewed on the inside of his cheek. "That—that was an accident."

"Excuse you, I don't think so. You just pretended that was Joss the whole fucking time, didn't you?" When Bones didn't answer, Jim's jaw dropped. "Oh my God, you did. You just took your anger at her out on me."

The doctor looked away. What was there to say?

Jim jumped out of bed and yanked his clothes on. His shirt was backwards. "I cannot believe you. Do you know how much my ass hurts right now? You probably tore something."

Bones went into doctor mode. "I can look at—"

"Fuck you, you're not getting anywhere near me."

Jim grabbed his backpack and left.

* * *

The next morning Jim came back to the apartment. Dark circles were under his eyes and he still hadn't reversed his shirt. He didn't call out for Bones. He was at the hospital, and even if he weren't, Jim still didn't want to talk to him.

Jim went to bedroom to get a fresh change of clothes. He saw a bag on the dresser that looked new, so he opened it. It contained a card and a bottle of Absolut. He opened it.

_I'm sorry. – LM_

Jim closed the card and decided to forgive Bones. He changed into clean clothes and left for the hospital. When he got there, Bones was talking to a pretty doctor he thought was named Estevez.


	3. Where The Sun Don't Shine

_This is better than finally running out of ink in a pen_, Jim thought with a weird kind of satisfaction.

He tossed the empty bottle of lubricant into the trash can in the corner and resumed cleaning his bedroom. He'd been dating Bones for over six months, and they'd used the same bottle of lube every time they had sex. The empty bottle served as a pleasant reminder of their happy, healthy sex life. In fact, Bones had the night off (for once) and that always meant imminent friskiness.

Before Bones got home, Jim grabbed his coat and hurried to the drug store two blocks away to buy some more lube. Once in the store, the simple task of replenishing his supply didn't seem so simple anymore.

Jim counted fifteen different types of personal lubricant, each claiming to be the best possible kind. There were warming lubricants, cooling lubricants, warming _and_ cooling lubricants _(isn't that just muscle cream?_ Jim thought), lubricants "for her" that Jim immediately ruled out, tingling lubricants, flavored lubricants, lubricant that supposedly looked like blood, and something called "magnum macho" lubricant with a picture of a tiger eating raw meat on the box.

Not only was there a dizzying array of lubricants, they were all very expensive. Jim walked out of the store empty handed and instead made his way towards San Francisco's obliging sex district. A little while later, he was perusing the selection of lubricants in a small dingy shop called Feathers, Leathers & Lace.

"That lube there is from Asia," the cashier said, pointing to a small bottle on the bottom shelf. "It's in your price range and is very popular."

"What's in it?" Jim asked, glancing at the ingredients list. They were in Chinese.

"Natural spices and oils," the cashier replied with a shrug. "Nothing harmful."

Jim flipped open the bottle and sniffed. "Whoa." It smelled great.

He paid for the lube and hurried home.

* * *

Bones threw Jim down on his bed and climbed on top of him. Jim winked. "I love it when you get forceful, Bones."

Bones simply grabbed Jim's face with both hands and silenced him with a bruising kiss, his tongue sliding hot and wet against Jim's own. Jim moaned and bucked his hips upwards.

"How badly do you want me to fuck you?" Bones asked, grinning wickedly.

"So bad, Bones. I've been hard for you all day. Couldn't stop thinking about you in your white doctor's uniform, the one that makes your ass look so great."

They fell into frantic kissing once more, moaning and running their hands over naked skin. It had been a week since their last sexual escapade—they were starving.

Finally Bones pulled away and glanced at the side table. "Where's your lube, darlin'?"

Jim mentally slapped his forehead and rolled over to reach into the drawer. He pulled out the bottle he'd purchased. "Smell this shit, Bones. It's like perfume, except it doesn't make you sneeze."

Bones sniffed it and raised an eyebrow. "Hot damn." He squirted some on his fingers and shoved Jim down once more. "I'd say it's a shame that it's meant for your pretty little ass, but I'm really not that sorry."

Prep was quick, and then Bones slid inside Jim with a hiss of satisfaction.

Prep might have been hasty, but sex was always prolonged with Bones. He thrust expertly, driving Jim to the brink over and over, but not letting him come. The lubricant was pleasantly warm and neither too watery nor thick, and the sweet spicy scent seemed like an exotic aphrodisiac to the young lovers.

After enough thrusts directly against his prostate, Jim was losing coherency. "B…ones…please…"

Bones growled and lifted Jim up by his shoulders so that he was straddling his lap. He continued thrusting while sucking on Jim's neck. He dearly loved to see hickeys the morning after sex. He didn't neglect Jim's lips, though; for every sweetly painful love bite, he kissed Jim's lips and breathed declarations of love into them.

A familiar ache grew in Bones, and his vision started to fuzz. It was almost time…

Suddenly, Jim tensed. "Ow! Bones, stop! Please stop!"

Bones immediately stopped moving and maneuvered Jim back onto the pillows, glancing over his body. Had he been too rough? He wouldn't forgive himself for hurting Jim if he had, not after what had happened last time he'd been unnecessarily harsh. "Jim, what's wrong? Should I get my kit? Did I tear you?"

Jim curled forward, wincing in discomfort. "My skin feels like it's on fire."

He carefully parted his legs.

Bones couldn't contain his shout of alarm. Jim's thighs, groin, and entire posterior were covered in angry red hives. They were splotchy, bumpy, and glistening with the lube that had gotten smeared during sex.

Bones grabbed the bottle of lube and squinted at the label. "Shit, Jim! Why'd you buy this stuff if you didn't know what was in it? You're allergic to more stuff than you're not, I swear."

Jim scratched furiously at his thighs for a moment, but Bones caught his hand. "Don't, that won't help in the long run. Go take a cool water shower."

Jim hopped off the bed and walked awkwardly toward the bathroom. Bones sighed and shook his head before pulling on a bathrobe, determinedly ignoring his painful case of blueballs. "I'll get the antihistamine spray," he called after Jim.


End file.
